Jealousy in Relationships
by Cathy Wagner - posted August 27, 2019

I don't do jealousy. Many people find it hard to believe. In fact, I've become so far removed from entertaining that emotion that some people think I am very strange. They think that I'm deluded and turning a blind eye, or maybe I'm just playing and not really investing myself into a relationship, but these assumptions couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is, I refuse to be played, to a point where I will abandon a romantic interest if I feel like they are untrustworthy or insincere. I'd like to share my experience with the hope that it may free you from the green-eyed monster.

To start, it may be significant that I am an identical twin. I think all twin relationships include a bit of competition, not just over their skills and achievements, but also for the attention of others. To make matters worse, people are fascinated by twins and want to compare and contrast them, possibly to tell them apart, but also to learn more about what it might be like to have a second version of “you.” When we were young, this was a challenge to our relationship. Teachers and family members were always comparing us, and even sharing friends could be a challenge if one of us felt our friend liked one of us better.

In middle school my twin and I liked the same boy. He was cute, funny, smart, and his parents seemed to give him more freedom than ours. He decided he liked my sister. She was very proud and flattered, until they broke up and he decided he liked me instead. My turn to be proud and flattered, even though she was pretty upset about it. It wasn't long before his affections turned back to her and we realized we were being played. He enjoyed it that we both liked him and milked it for his amusement.

I learned the best looking boys weren't interested in feelings, they were just having fun. This was not for me. I was always more interested in finding “The One” and so I decided these types of boys weren't worth pursuing. I don't want to compete for the affections of anyone, and anyone who thought I should compete was not worth my time or affection. If I got involved with someone and there was any question about their loyalty or sincerity, I became disinterested and continued my search for “The One.”

When I started college, I met someone who I thought was “The One.” We were together for about six months when we decided to get an apartment together and I was thrilled to finally move away from home. We were very sensible and tried out a house sitting situation together first, before locking ourselves into a lease. It was wonderful and we both felt like this was a solid relationship that would last far into the future. We signed a lease on a beautiful apartment, got a cat, and we both felt like the romantic side of our lives were set. He never gave me any reason to question his loyalty.

After we were together for a couple of years, we were out having drinks and talking. He asked me if I had ever cheated on him. I was feeling rather playful and said, “You might not like the answer,” only because there had been one occasion where I had come close. Upon hearing my flip response, he blurted out that he had slept with someone else once, months before, when I had been particularly busy with work. I was shocked.

I struggled to respond to this earth shattering news. One part of me was saying, “That's it! I have to break up with you now!” But, the other part of me didn't want this excellent relationship to end. I asked a lot of questions about who she was and if he was still seeing her. While he wouldn't tell me who it was, I believed him that it had only happened once and he had no interest in pursuing it further. I also knew that I had been working 75 hour weeks at the time it happened and could understand he had felt ignored and neglected. I really had no idea that this could have happened and didn't even notice that he apparently had time to step out. My life had been totally unaffected by his indiscretion.

I decided it didn't matter. He was truly sorry and didn't want our relationship to end either. I believed him, accepted responsibility for my part, and we simply went on as if nothing ever happened. I didn't worry about him stepping out again, and truthfully, if he did, if he really wanted something different than me, I would have encouraged him to go and pursue it rather than sneak behind my back. I don't want someone who doesn't want to be with me and I can't be in a relationship with someone I don't trust. When we did break up, probably about two years later, it wasn't because of cheating, which was never an issue for us again.

It took me a long time to get involved in another serious relationship. Friends said I was too picky, but I didn't think so. I knew what I wanted, knew I was capable of being in a sincere and loving relationship, and of course, I was still looking for “The One.” When I did get involved again, I married him. We were together for 10 years before the idea of infidelity even came up. In this case, we met someone that he was strongly attracted to. I could see it in the way her talked to her and even in the way he talked about her. But I was also sure he wouldn't act on that attraction.

Then came a day when I wanted to go out of town for a self-development seminar that he had already attended. I took the kids with me because we had family nearby and it was an excellent time for them to visit while he continued to work as usual. He was going to be all alone for a week. Before I left, I sat him down and told him that I knew he was attracted to this other woman. While I trusted him, I knew he would have ample opportunity to act on his attraction, and so I told him I thought he should go for it. I felt comfortable doing this because I knew in my heart of hearts that they would both wake up the next morning and realize they had nothing in common except this attraction. I felt like they would both get it out of their system and that would be the end of it. He was surprised and tried to downplay the attraction, but I think he was excited at the prospect, even though he said he would not make use of the opportunity.

While at the seminar, I met a man that I thought was very attractive. I understood the thrill my husband must have felt with regard to the attraction he felt for the other woman. Remember, we had been married for ten years at this point and had long forgotten that feeling of meeting someone new. I was glad I had given him permission to step out because now, I thought I might like to step out too. I felt completely justified in acting on my feelings since I expected him to do the same. I was disappointed to learn this other man was otherwise committed and not in a position to reciprocate my desire, even though he felt the same attraction. But, I was glad to have felt those feelings and been able to toy with idea.

When I got home, to my surprise, my husband told me he had been faithful, but it wasn't for lack of trying. Apparently, when he told this other woman that he had been given permission to step out, he was actually calling her bluff. It seems she felt comfortable flirting with him because he was safely married and she would never be called upon to deliver what she was subtly promising. She even called me, rather upset, to express her shock and disapproval, and tell me that I needed to respect myself more.

All I could do was laugh. I was absolutely right in my estimation of their compatibility and it was clear this woman posed no threat to my marriage. I also made sure to tell my husband about my own experience while I was away and I could see by the look on his face that he was only just realizing that if it was ok for him, it was ok for me, too. The issue never came up again.

We eventually got divorced for other reasons and I moved to California. It took a long time for me to be interested in dating again, and for the first time in my life, I wasn't looking for “The One.” After being married for so long, I just wanted to go out and have some fun. I tried online dating, which was actually pretty fun. I wasn't vested in a relationship with someone I never met and I was careful to take precautions to stay safe, just in case they were crazy. I gave myself full permission to be me and have a good time.

I met one man who seemed quite interesting. He was very up front with the fact that he was Poly. I had never heard the term. He directed me to the Poly Manifesto which is a beautiful set of affirmations that can enhance the lives of each person that uses them, and every person they touch. I was shocked and delighted at this understanding and practice of human relationships; I had no idea people were reinventing relationships in what seemed to be such a healthy and enlightened way.

David was really fun to be around. We had a lot of the same interests and his energy was very comfortable and accepting. I enjoyed spending time with him right from the start, and this whole Poly thing was intriguing, but I wasn't sold. I mean, I met this guy online and to some people, this philosophy sounds like a fancy way to say “it's ok to sleep around.” So, while I agreed to keep seeing him, knowing it would by no means be an exclusive relationship, I resolved to pay careful attention to how he applied this Poly philosophy to his life.

I wasn't disappointed. David was one the most open and genuine people I've ever met. Yes, he was dating other women, but I always felt like the only one when we were together. We might talk about the other people we were dating, but it was always done with smiles and giggles and encouragement. He even wanted me to meet them all, like we were all one big happy family. And we kind of were. Meetings were always greeted with hugs before anybody even spoke. It was almost like we were all part of a special, loving and accepting club.

When I think about the love I've had in my life, I feel like I have evolved ever forward. Every love I've ever had was the greatest true love and I reveled in every moment thinking it couldn't get any better. But even the greatest true love eventually comes to an end and while that's heartbreaking every time, it's not the end of the story and the new is always greater than the old, no matter how amazing that was.

Jealousy is at the beginning of that evolutionary path. It stems from insecurity, low self esteem, and fear. I say, do not entertain it. If you are feeling jealous, look within and realize that nobody is better than you, we are all just different. If the object of your affection doesn't feel the same about you, it's a shame, but it's time to move on and find someone who does. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or that you're unlovable, it's just not a love match. And if the person you're with gives you cause to feel jealous, move on. You don't need that kind of abuse in your life, wrought with doubt and suspicion. If you're going to invest your full self into a relationship, then you need someone who is willing to do the same. Love yourself and don't settle for anything less.